Oh I am a seriously stupid fucking idiot!
Today I had induction. Afterwards, I got very very drunk with the boys. Oh how stupid they are, getting me drunk. After a few beers, there are no secrets left from the Ida. Jeez...
Ended up telling two people from work that I have a crush on another guy from work. One is ok, he won't kiss and tell. The other one though, is his best friend. That was really stupid of me. It doesn't matter that he promised me he won't tell, it's his best friend and he will. Fuuuuuck! Why do I have to have such a big fucking mouth? Seriously. So now, everyone will know, and well, work will be a little less comfortable and eh..! But why on earth does he need to run around and say all those things and tease me like that? I know it's just for a joke but it'd doing my head in. The guy who won't tell said that there is probably something behind it though, otherwise he wouldn't say anything. But still. Fuck. Why oh why did I need to go and tell his friend? I am seriously a fucking idiot.
Me and alcohol does not mix when I have secrets. I would rather sit around and annoy people with talking about my boobs constantly until they are so irritated that they leave than do things like this one. Tonight takes the cake. Fucking hell, I am an idiot.
Tuesday, 24 April 2007
Monday, 23 April 2007
she works hard for the money
Oh jeez. What a week - or two!
So, this far I have been working what? Nine days straight. Got induction tomorrow, my extra very well paid job on Wednesday morning and then Bel's afterwards until close. Thursday I work morning and then Erica comes and will be here with her friend until Sunday. Monday I have an assignment due, so will need to study all of Sunday which means I need to take another day off. Shit.
Good thing is that I got a well paying job, where I get to expand my Swedish/English knowledge and that is very flexible. The bad thing is that I will be buried in work. Another good thing is that I will have money. I got paid on Friday and honestly, all I spent my money on was a bit of food, cigarettes, and some drinks at work. I still have heaps left and the pay wasn't even that big.
Ok, so now to the troubles. Dating this guy - really hot. Wait, not sure we are actually dating, but well, we went for drinks and snogged like teenagers, so I guess that is classified as a date. He is hot. He has a hot accent. He is funny. He is also nice, but have a very big thing for my tits. Granted, I ramble on about my - presumably - big and fabulous tits whenever a few beers are in my system, but still, I'm thinking - and gosh, yes, I know I sound old and boring and what not - I want more. A one night stand or a fuck buddy might give you the fix, but for one, I am sick of the fix and all that comes with it. Secondly, I feel like I have been fucking around the world for too long and that my list is way too long to even speak of. Yes, I am starting to get embarrassed about the number of people I shagged. I.E.; time to stop.
There is this guy at work... he is not hot, which is weird, because I am usually extremely vain. But he is absolutely... ah, amazing! He is tall (I love 'em tall!), he is nice, he is charming, he is funny, he is... ah! Fabulous. Oh, the crush I have. I feel like such a teenager. Thing is, I have eaten where I shit before and it is not to recommend. I believe he has no intentions for me what so ever, but he keeps saying things that just make me go "Ah, marry me and make me pregnant" (I sound like a 35 year old spinster!). Examples:
1. "You are absolutely gorgeous."
2. "Of course your boobs are great - I just don't say so because I don't want you to get a big head."
3. "I thought you asked me what my surname was to practise it to be Mrs. ...."
4. "You want to be my girlfriend?"
5. "When are you going to put out for me?"
6. "Of course you can crawl into bed with me."
7. "You wanna fuck?"
8. "But I like the way you talk." (On how this other girl just keeps rambling on and I said, well, I talk a lot too.)
9. "You wanna have some kids and call them ...?"
10. "Ah, you're a sweetheart!"
And how he gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek today when I got that new job. Gosh, I am smittened! What on earth am I supposed to do? What can I do? Not much. I will just have to look from afar and hope no one swoops him up, cos the day I quit that bloody job, I will tell him how I feel, and if it's not mutual, that's ok, cos I won't work there anymore. Bloody fucking life eh.
So, this far I have been working what? Nine days straight. Got induction tomorrow, my extra very well paid job on Wednesday morning and then Bel's afterwards until close. Thursday I work morning and then Erica comes and will be here with her friend until Sunday. Monday I have an assignment due, so will need to study all of Sunday which means I need to take another day off. Shit.
Good thing is that I got a well paying job, where I get to expand my Swedish/English knowledge and that is very flexible. The bad thing is that I will be buried in work. Another good thing is that I will have money. I got paid on Friday and honestly, all I spent my money on was a bit of food, cigarettes, and some drinks at work. I still have heaps left and the pay wasn't even that big.
Ok, so now to the troubles. Dating this guy - really hot. Wait, not sure we are actually dating, but well, we went for drinks and snogged like teenagers, so I guess that is classified as a date. He is hot. He has a hot accent. He is funny. He is also nice, but have a very big thing for my tits. Granted, I ramble on about my - presumably - big and fabulous tits whenever a few beers are in my system, but still, I'm thinking - and gosh, yes, I know I sound old and boring and what not - I want more. A one night stand or a fuck buddy might give you the fix, but for one, I am sick of the fix and all that comes with it. Secondly, I feel like I have been fucking around the world for too long and that my list is way too long to even speak of. Yes, I am starting to get embarrassed about the number of people I shagged. I.E.; time to stop.
There is this guy at work... he is not hot, which is weird, because I am usually extremely vain. But he is absolutely... ah, amazing! He is tall (I love 'em tall!), he is nice, he is charming, he is funny, he is... ah! Fabulous. Oh, the crush I have. I feel like such a teenager. Thing is, I have eaten where I shit before and it is not to recommend. I believe he has no intentions for me what so ever, but he keeps saying things that just make me go "Ah, marry me and make me pregnant" (I sound like a 35 year old spinster!). Examples:
1. "You are absolutely gorgeous."
2. "Of course your boobs are great - I just don't say so because I don't want you to get a big head."
3. "I thought you asked me what my surname was to practise it to be Mrs. ...."
4. "You want to be my girlfriend?"
5. "When are you going to put out for me?"
6. "Of course you can crawl into bed with me."
7. "You wanna fuck?"
8. "But I like the way you talk." (On how this other girl just keeps rambling on and I said, well, I talk a lot too.)
9. "You wanna have some kids and call them ...?"
10. "Ah, you're a sweetheart!"
And how he gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek today when I got that new job. Gosh, I am smittened! What on earth am I supposed to do? What can I do? Not much. I will just have to look from afar and hope no one swoops him up, cos the day I quit that bloody job, I will tell him how I feel, and if it's not mutual, that's ok, cos I won't work there anymore. Bloody fucking life eh.
Sunday, 15 April 2007
should I stay or should I go?
Fuck.
What a weekend. It was good, but for some reason I'm feeling so down. I don't get it. I met Danny again, it was great. Had a fabulous - albeit very very very (very) drunk - night, met some old friends. How can I complain? (Well, the hang over from hell...)
So sick of it here. London is seriously tearing me apart. I need to get out very very soon. Just go somewhere and do something different. Anything really, even if it's just for a day.
The house situation is still bothering me, and two of us are slowly building up a tension that I don't like.
Danny confused me a bit as usual. Sad thing, I like him more when he's drunk and high than when he's sober. Last night was all "hello gorgeous", this morning was "hey buddy". It's ok, I mean, I know that nothing serious will ever happen between us, and that's fine. I don't want anything serious to happen between us, but being who he is and the history, it's all a bit... sigh.
And thus denying it every day, Mike is still haunting my thoughts and nightmares. Last night I got pissed off with Danny for a silly little thing, I can't even remember why, but I told him that I am done taking shit from people. In hindsight, my reaction scares me a bit; I shouldn't be that scarred from Mike that I go extreme on a friend because he/she is silly and drunk. I was thinking that maybe I pushed Mike into breaking up with me on some level?
I am very happy I didn't sleep with Danny. That was very wise of us. Who would have thought that? Not me, that's for sure.
Ah, freaking season changing depression - get lost!
What a weekend. It was good, but for some reason I'm feeling so down. I don't get it. I met Danny again, it was great. Had a fabulous - albeit very very very (very) drunk - night, met some old friends. How can I complain? (Well, the hang over from hell...)
So sick of it here. London is seriously tearing me apart. I need to get out very very soon. Just go somewhere and do something different. Anything really, even if it's just for a day.
The house situation is still bothering me, and two of us are slowly building up a tension that I don't like.
Danny confused me a bit as usual. Sad thing, I like him more when he's drunk and high than when he's sober. Last night was all "hello gorgeous", this morning was "hey buddy". It's ok, I mean, I know that nothing serious will ever happen between us, and that's fine. I don't want anything serious to happen between us, but being who he is and the history, it's all a bit... sigh.
And thus denying it every day, Mike is still haunting my thoughts and nightmares. Last night I got pissed off with Danny for a silly little thing, I can't even remember why, but I told him that I am done taking shit from people. In hindsight, my reaction scares me a bit; I shouldn't be that scarred from Mike that I go extreme on a friend because he/she is silly and drunk. I was thinking that maybe I pushed Mike into breaking up with me on some level?
I am very happy I didn't sleep with Danny. That was very wise of us. Who would have thought that? Not me, that's for sure.
Ah, freaking season changing depression - get lost!
Thursday, 12 April 2007
vi drar till malmö
Oh, today was quite all right. I downloaded some new music, I love discovering new stuff; it's just so refreshing.
Had a bit of a chat with Josh, it was all right. Then walked in central London, becoming down from past memories. (oh, I love this song on tv right now!) Ah, how past memories can haunt you, but at the same time, how good that I can live and learn. My great hope now is that I not only lived, but actually learned. I believe I did. Perhaps a thank you-card is appropriate?
School's out. It's lovely, at the same time a bit annoying. Now everyone has left, gone back to their home countries; all but me. I am stuck here in the hell hole called the fabulous city of London. Err, or something.
Re-read that poem I wrote a couple weeks ago, being pissed off my head and angry with a certain someone. Weed might be good for inspiration and words and other things that normally don't pop into your mind; alcohol is not. Mother of crap it blew. I laughed out loud and became a bit embarrassed.
Other than that, my living situation is concerning me. I don't want to have to move again, but at the same time I feel a bit disrespected (is that the proper English word?) by my house mates. Fuck, I know that I say that in London, I would not want to live alone. But right now, I long for nothing else than to not live in London and to not live with anyone but me. I miss my old apartment in Sweden. It was so nice. Just me - fabulous!
I think I'll have another beer. And another smoke.
Had a bit of a chat with Josh, it was all right. Then walked in central London, becoming down from past memories. (oh, I love this song on tv right now!) Ah, how past memories can haunt you, but at the same time, how good that I can live and learn. My great hope now is that I not only lived, but actually learned. I believe I did. Perhaps a thank you-card is appropriate?
School's out. It's lovely, at the same time a bit annoying. Now everyone has left, gone back to their home countries; all but me. I am stuck here in the hell hole called the fabulous city of London. Err, or something.
Re-read that poem I wrote a couple weeks ago, being pissed off my head and angry with a certain someone. Weed might be good for inspiration and words and other things that normally don't pop into your mind; alcohol is not. Mother of crap it blew. I laughed out loud and became a bit embarrassed.
Other than that, my living situation is concerning me. I don't want to have to move again, but at the same time I feel a bit disrespected (is that the proper English word?) by my house mates. Fuck, I know that I say that in London, I would not want to live alone. But right now, I long for nothing else than to not live in London and to not live with anyone but me. I miss my old apartment in Sweden. It was so nice. Just me - fabulous!
I think I'll have another beer. And another smoke.
Wednesday, 11 April 2007
dynamit
One thing that really annoys me with travelling and meeting people who only speak English, is that I don't get to share the fabulous lyrics of some Swedish songs. Nor do I get to share hilarious Swedish television shows. And trying to translate the jokes just doesn't work; I sound stupid.
Ah, summer vacation. It came so quick. I managed to pull through a whole year of uni. Another £12,000 that I owe. Wee!
London is seriously doing my head in. I need to get away for a couple of days, see something else. Perhaps that's what I should do? Just get on a bus or train and do whatever.
What is it with drugs? Fucking hell, get over it. There is so much to life, why waste it doing drugs? Why not explore the many opportunities we have, do things we deemed impossible. Man, do I sound like a hippy or what? Haha.
There is something missing in my life at the moment. I need to figure out what it is. Caught myself missing Sweden and that is just silly. I know the moment I get back there I'll want to leave again. One day I'll be living in Copenhagen, loving it. I better, because that is one thing in life that I know I'm supposed to do. Constantly, looking for something better; the grass is always greener on the other side. Well, it's not. There will always be something wrong with the next place I go. The only way to not feel that is to just go for a couple of weeks. Then you'll love it, and always want to live there. As soon as I live somewhere, it takes a little while and then I dream about the next place.
Ultimately, though, I just want a beautiful place in the sun, some kids and someone who loves me to unconditionally.
At least I am doing something new; working in a pub. I always feared it, thinking I will hate it. It is actually quite ok. All right, by the end of summer I will want to kill myself with a blunt object, but for now it's ok, then I have that experience and I can do it again.
Ah, lovely to have a day off and reflect on a few things.
Ah, summer vacation. It came so quick. I managed to pull through a whole year of uni. Another £12,000 that I owe. Wee!
London is seriously doing my head in. I need to get away for a couple of days, see something else. Perhaps that's what I should do? Just get on a bus or train and do whatever.
What is it with drugs? Fucking hell, get over it. There is so much to life, why waste it doing drugs? Why not explore the many opportunities we have, do things we deemed impossible. Man, do I sound like a hippy or what? Haha.
There is something missing in my life at the moment. I need to figure out what it is. Caught myself missing Sweden and that is just silly. I know the moment I get back there I'll want to leave again. One day I'll be living in Copenhagen, loving it. I better, because that is one thing in life that I know I'm supposed to do. Constantly, looking for something better; the grass is always greener on the other side. Well, it's not. There will always be something wrong with the next place I go. The only way to not feel that is to just go for a couple of weeks. Then you'll love it, and always want to live there. As soon as I live somewhere, it takes a little while and then I dream about the next place.
Ultimately, though, I just want a beautiful place in the sun, some kids and someone who loves me to unconditionally.
At least I am doing something new; working in a pub. I always feared it, thinking I will hate it. It is actually quite ok. All right, by the end of summer I will want to kill myself with a blunt object, but for now it's ok, then I have that experience and I can do it again.
Ah, lovely to have a day off and reflect on a few things.
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