something different

Intensity may be good for a while, but then it will all of a sudden creep up on you and bite you in the ass.

Yes, I had too much of my man. He had too much of me. Our fights are absolutely ridiculous and unfounded in every sort of way, which just adds to show that spending work hours and after work hours together (almost every day of the week) is shit.

What we needed was a day to ourselves, which we sort of had on Saturday. It was great, we went to Hampstead Heath, had a nice walk in the beautiful park and the small little streets; it almost felt like a foreign (and not England-foreign) country at times. After that we went to Camden and had a bit of Maroccan food, and later a few drinks in the pub. We went home, watched some telly and ate some crap food. It was great. Then I didn't see him Sunday, hardly on Monday either as he started a new job yesterday and passed out at ten, while I was at work till twelve. Had a nice bit of cuddle though. Today I was all kissy and butterflyee in my tummy, missing him heaps. He was winking at me and blowing me kisses (we are definately cheesy), it was great. It felt the way it should feel after 2½ months, and not like we're an old grumpy couple in a routine we can't get out of.

In fact, all the things people have invited me to this week I can't even bother to think about; all spare time I want to spend with him. I miss my man and want to just lie and cuddle and kiss.

Apart from me being absolutely annoying about him, I got a haircut today, which is very nice and was free! Well, I bought her a drink, but that's it! Pretty damn well done.

Also, I got a bank account. At last, I can't believe England let me get into their system! Cool as.

precious things

Went to Brighton for just one night with my boy. It was so lovely. We took the bus there which was quick and cheap, had a few beers, went for dinner, walked down by the seafront in the sun and had amazing fresh donuts, through the arcade on the pier (he looked like a child on Christmas, while I was less amused by it), had a beer in the sun, really great dinner later and then we passed out. Ha, we were so exhausted we fell asleep before 12, then straight back to London to work at four.

Work was good yesterday. Except for the manager giving me a bit of a stir, I was so close to have a go at him. I had a few double Jamieson, an absolutely hilarious customer gave me a beer. It was slow. Talby had about 18 double Bundy and Coke, fuck he was smashed, kissing me in front of customers and all. Good fun though. We went home to my place, watched some funny videos online and ate popcorn and had beers.

I've been hanging out with him for almost two weeks straight now and am still not sick of him. It is weird. Usually, I think that more than three hours with one person is plenty. But with him, no. We just have so much fun all the time. It's crazy when you think about it.

Today was my day off. Did laundry and did grocery shopping, catched up on Grey's Anatomy... oh I miss my boy so much! Just wanna go down to the bar and give him a huge hug, but I'd better not, have work in the office tomorrow at nine. Ugh, it is gonna be so boring. We're gonna meet up for lunch though, but then he works at night... ah, miss him so much! Told my mum about him today, she asked if he's coming with me to Sweden in June. I haven't asked him and I won't. It's way too early for that. Perhaps next time. He won't be like Mike though if I do ask him, I know that, which is nice. I am trying to take it slow, but it is hard when I don't want to and he doesn't seem to want to either.

Ah, I like being smittened and crazy about someone.

miracles are to come

Ah, well, all has worked out. Who would've thought? I have a boy, who is amazing and that I am insanely crazy about, so smittened I can't stop smiling and miss him if I don't see him for ten minutes. I have never ever behaved this way about a guy before. It is strange, but so lovely. I hope this feeling will last for a long while.

Other than that, I need money. Asap.

date with the night

Ok, so my stupidity turned out good. Well, so I told "everyone" right, and then he knew. So all I could do in the end was face up to it. Which I did. He didn't say much, then we had one of those awkward kissing moments, which didn't happen. Then yesterday, one of the lads from work, told me that he likes me back. Yay! The other guy and I went out for drinks, heaps of fun and I randomly ran into an old flatmate of mine, very nice indeed. We spoke a lot about the whole situation between me and the guy I like. So I decided to ask him out. Today, in the kitchen, I just couldn't. I left a note on his bed, then went for drinks with this really pretentious guy who basically just pissed me off. I went back, in hope to be able to take the note off his bed and just ask him in person. This is all just so high school. Too late, it was gone and he made his bed. Shit. Anywho, ran into some old friends and had a few beers. Then I actually mustered the courage to ask him out for drinks tomorrow. We are going out tomorrow. So excited. Thing is, between us things are really awkward, so I - being who I am - need to bring it all out in the open. At the same time, we work together, and I don't want to make things weird for anyone at work. It all has to stay sort of a secret.

I am thinking that tomorrow will be nice, perhaps a bit weird, but nice. We will have a few beers, and well... I will do my part, but after that I can't do much. Up till now I have done all the legwork and I am not gonna re-live the whole Mike situation. No fucking way. I will do my part and then I am done with this shit.

I'm coming out

Oh I am a seriously stupid fucking idiot!

Today I had induction. Afterwards, I got very very drunk with the boys. Oh how stupid they are, getting me drunk. After a few beers, there are no secrets left from the Ida. Jeez...

Ended up telling two people from work that I have a crush on another guy from work. One is ok, he won't kiss and tell. The other one though, is his best friend. That was really stupid of me. It doesn't matter that he promised me he won't tell, it's his best friend and he will. Fuuuuuck! Why do I have to have such a big fucking mouth? Seriously. So now, everyone will know, and well, work will be a little less comfortable and eh..! But why on earth does he need to run around and say all those things and tease me like that? I know it's just for a joke but it'd doing my head in. The guy who won't tell said that there is probably something behind it though, otherwise he wouldn't say anything. But still. Fuck. Why oh why did I need to go and tell his friend? I am seriously a fucking idiot.

Me and alcohol does not mix when I have secrets. I would rather sit around and annoy people with talking about my boobs constantly until they are so irritated that they leave than do things like this one. Tonight takes the cake. Fucking hell, I am an idiot.

she works hard for the money

Oh jeez. What a week - or two!

So, this far I have been working what? Nine days straight. Got induction tomorrow, my extra very well paid job on Wednesday morning and then Bel's afterwards until close. Thursday I work morning and then Erica comes and will be here with her friend until Sunday. Monday I have an assignment due, so will need to study all of Sunday which means I need to take another day off. Shit.

Good thing is that I got a well paying job, where I get to expand my Swedish/English knowledge and that is very flexible. The bad thing is that I will be buried in work. Another good thing is that I will have money. I got paid on Friday and honestly, all I spent my money on was a bit of food, cigarettes, and some drinks at work. I still have heaps left and the pay wasn't even that big.

Ok, so now to the troubles. Dating this guy - really hot. Wait, not sure we are actually dating, but well, we went for drinks and snogged like teenagers, so I guess that is classified as a date. He is hot. He has a hot accent. He is funny. He is also nice, but have a very big thing for my tits. Granted, I ramble on about my - presumably - big and fabulous tits whenever a few beers are in my system, but still, I'm thinking - and gosh, yes, I know I sound old and boring and what not - I want more. A one night stand or a fuck buddy might give you the fix, but for one, I am sick of the fix and all that comes with it. Secondly, I feel like I have been fucking around the world for too long and that my list is way too long to even speak of. Yes, I am starting to get embarrassed about the number of people I shagged. I.E.; time to stop.

There is this guy at work... he is not hot, which is weird, because I am usually extremely vain. But he is absolutely... ah, amazing! He is tall (I love 'em tall!), he is nice, he is charming, he is funny, he is... ah! Fabulous. Oh, the crush I have. I feel like such a teenager. Thing is, I have eaten where I shit before and it is not to recommend. I believe he has no intentions for me what so ever, but he keeps saying things that just make me go "Ah, marry me and make me pregnant" (I sound like a 35 year old spinster!). Examples:
1. "You are absolutely gorgeous."
2. "Of course your boobs are great - I just don't say so because I don't want you to get a big head."
3. "I thought you asked me what my surname was to practise it to be Mrs. ...."
4. "You want to be my girlfriend?"
5. "When are you going to put out for me?"
6. "Of course you can crawl into bed with me."
7. "You wanna fuck?"
8. "But I like the way you talk." (On how this other girl just keeps rambling on and I said, well, I talk a lot too.)
9. "You wanna have some kids and call them ...?"
10. "Ah, you're a sweetheart!"

And how he gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek today when I got that new job. Gosh, I am smittened! What on earth am I supposed to do? What can I do? Not much. I will just have to look from afar and hope no one swoops him up, cos the day I quit that bloody job, I will tell him how I feel, and if it's not mutual, that's ok, cos I won't work there anymore. Bloody fucking life eh.

should I stay or should I go?

Fuck.

What a weekend. It was good, but for some reason I'm feeling so down. I don't get it. I met Danny again, it was great. Had a fabulous - albeit very very very (very) drunk - night, met some old friends. How can I complain? (Well, the hang over from hell...)

So sick of it here. London is seriously tearing me apart. I need to get out very very soon. Just go somewhere and do something different. Anything really, even if it's just for a day.

The house situation is still bothering me, and two of us are slowly building up a tension that I don't like.

Danny confused me a bit as usual. Sad thing, I like him more when he's drunk and high than when he's sober. Last night was all "hello gorgeous", this morning was "hey buddy". It's ok, I mean, I know that nothing serious will ever happen between us, and that's fine. I don't want anything serious to happen between us, but being who he is and the history, it's all a bit... sigh.

And thus denying it every day, Mike is still haunting my thoughts and nightmares. Last night I got pissed off with Danny for a silly little thing, I can't even remember why, but I told him that I am done taking shit from people. In hindsight, my reaction scares me a bit; I shouldn't be that scarred from Mike that I go extreme on a friend because he/she is silly and drunk. I was thinking that maybe I pushed Mike into breaking up with me on some level?

I am very happy I didn't sleep with Danny. That was very wise of us. Who would have thought that? Not me, that's for sure.

Ah, freaking season changing depression - get lost!

vi drar till malmö

Oh, today was quite all right. I downloaded some new music, I love discovering new stuff; it's just so refreshing.

Had a bit of a chat with Josh, it was all right. Then walked in central London, becoming down from past memories. (oh, I love this song on tv right now!) Ah, how past memories can haunt you, but at the same time, how good that I can live and learn. My great hope now is that I not only lived, but actually learned. I believe I did. Perhaps a thank you-card is appropriate?

School's out. It's lovely, at the same time a bit annoying. Now everyone has left, gone back to their home countries; all but me. I am stuck here in the hell hole called the fabulous city of London. Err, or something.

Re-read that poem I wrote a couple weeks ago, being pissed off my head and angry with a certain someone. Weed might be good for inspiration and words and other things that normally don't pop into your mind; alcohol is not. Mother of crap it blew. I laughed out loud and became a bit embarrassed.

Other than that, my living situation is concerning me. I don't want to have to move again, but at the same time I feel a bit disrespected (is that the proper English word?) by my house mates. Fuck, I know that I say that in London, I would not want to live alone. But right now, I long for nothing else than to not live in London and to not live with anyone but me. I miss my old apartment in Sweden. It was so nice. Just me - fabulous!

I think I'll have another beer. And another smoke.

dynamit

One thing that really annoys me with travelling and meeting people who only speak English, is that I don't get to share the fabulous lyrics of some Swedish songs. Nor do I get to share hilarious Swedish television shows. And trying to translate the jokes just doesn't work; I sound stupid.

Ah, summer vacation. It came so quick. I managed to pull through a whole year of uni. Another £12,000 that I owe. Wee!

London is seriously doing my head in. I need to get away for a couple of days, see something else. Perhaps that's what I should do? Just get on a bus or train and do whatever.

What is it with drugs? Fucking hell, get over it. There is so much to life, why waste it doing drugs? Why not explore the many opportunities we have, do things we deemed impossible. Man, do I sound like a hippy or what? Haha.

There is something missing in my life at the moment. I need to figure out what it is. Caught myself missing Sweden and that is just silly. I know the moment I get back there I'll want to leave again. One day I'll be living in Copenhagen, loving it. I better, because that is one thing in life that I know I'm supposed to do. Constantly, looking for something better; the grass is always greener on the other side. Well, it's not. There will always be something wrong with the next place I go. The only way to not feel that is to just go for a couple of weeks. Then you'll love it, and always want to live there. As soon as I live somewhere, it takes a little while and then I dream about the next place.

Ultimately, though, I just want a beautiful place in the sun, some kids and someone who loves me to unconditionally.

At least I am doing something new; working in a pub. I always feared it, thinking I will hate it. It is actually quite ok. All right, by the end of summer I will want to kill myself with a blunt object, but for now it's ok, then I have that experience and I can do it again.

Ah, lovely to have a day off and reflect on a few things.

'til the clouds clear

It's definately worse at night.

I'm thinking that I deserve far more respect than this. No call, no message, no nothing, for three whole days. The least I deserve is a text saying "fuck off". But not even that.

I am angry still, and I don't want to be with him anymore, but I feel sad because I'm being so ignored. Surely everyone deserves to be properly broken up with. This kind of treatment is just... out of order.

My friends tell me I deserve better - I know I do. They tell me he's an idiot, a dickhead. I know, it doesn't help though. Nothing really helps. Him recognising me would help. But apparently in his eyes, I'm not worth that much.

32 flavors

In a way it is nice to be single again. I can do what I want. I am free. No more fights, no more obligations.

At the same time, I have more time on my hands. Time I don't really want to have on my hands.

And it sucks that we're not talking, but I think we will talk again, solve it, and be on atleast speaking terms.

Being single is what I have been for the last three years - excluding the last four-six months or so. As much as it sucks to be"alone", it is at the same time a freedom to do whatever. A freedom I am used to.

I know how to act, I know how to get what I "want". For some reason, I do not know how to get a guy to stay with me. And that blows.

New Day

I wipe off the tears rushing down my cheeks and try to look him in the eye.
"I love you so much."
"I love you," he looks at me with his soft, tender, sweet eyes.
I gently stroke his cheek, give him a kiss and tell him I have to go now. He turns around and walks towards the train platform. I get on the escalators and see him walk away without turning. I think, this is it, and get in line for the safety control. I have no idea what to do when I get there. I don't even know if I will make it. All I know is that I have to leave now and there is no turning back.

When I smile the dried up tears on my face crack. I pick up my bags once they have checked me for items that could kill. I stop for a few seconds and look around the airport. Everyone is going somewhere. Work, holidays, anywhere. I am facing the trip of my life. Slowly my legs steer me towards the smoking area. I sit down on a leather chair and look out the window while I light my cigarette. This last month has been crazy. Neo and I had a couple amazing weeks, we focused on each other and were less selfish than ever. The sun has been shining, everything has just been fabulous.

However, now I'm single - fully single. In every way possible; no boyfriend, no family, no friends, no job. It is just me. I take a last drag on my smoke and smile. Just me.

Hide and Seek

Waiting. Chain smoking. I wonder - was that my mobile vibrating? No, that was the chair. I light a new cigarette, trying to walk around and look at things, make them interesting. Smoking too fast, now my stomache hurts. I look in the fridge, nothing fun to eat. I turn on the telly, lie down on the sofa and do my best to get comfortable. Nothing on telly. I can't focus. Get up and check my e-mail. Nothing. No one online to talk to. Was that my mobile vibrating? No, that was my tummy. I go through my phone book - anyone I can call? No, no one I want to talk to right now. I only want to talk to him. How I hate waiting for phone calls. Light another cigarette. The neighbour comes home. We nod.
”How are you?”
”I’m fine, thanks and you?”
“Y’know, same ole-same ole.” We smile and he goes into his house. Breathe in, breathe out. A message! I got a message! My tummy is doing somersaults. "I hate my job!" - it's from Tara. I love her to death, but I didn't want to hear from her right now.

I walk into the house, put on a cd, lie down on the bed. Lalala. Everything seems so boring. All I want is a phone call. Shall I call? No, I always call. He said he'd call. Maybe just call to check that he's alive? What if something happened? Why would anything happen? Would he take too much cocain and overdose? What if he had an overdose? Lying alone in the kitchen, blood running out of his nose - does it run blood out of one's nose when you have a cocain overdose? - eyes open. Ok, no over reacting. What if he was on the bus and the bus had an accident and he's in the hospital? He never fucking takes the bus. Smoke after smoke. Damn, now I'm out. I leave my phone at home and go to get cigarettes. Twenty minutes without a phone will do me good. I hope he calls when I'm gone.

I feel naked without my mobile. What if he calls from a phone booth so I can't call back?
"Marlboro lights please."
"That will be five fifty, please."
"Here."
"Thanks."
"Bye."
"Bye."
"Cigarettes make you imponent", it says on the packet. I hope he who never calls will be impotent. No, I don't. Then we can't fuck anymore. Well, he might not call and we might not have sex after all. He found some hot, perfect little model chick with a good laugh who is super cool and all that every girl wants to be but isn't. I light the cigarette.

Up the stairs to the house, open the door, hi cat. No missed calls. Fucking hell. I take the phone out on the porch and light my tenth cigarette in the last hour. It starts ringing. It's ringing! It's him! Clear the throat, let it ring a few times, sound breezy.
"Hello?"
"I am so sorry for not calling until now!"
"Oh that's ok, I was busy all day anyways."